Hi. Have you met me? If you have, then you know that I go through a mental/creative breakdown about once a quarter… lbh, maybe more like once every two months. I’ve gone through it so many times that I know it’s all part of the process, but it still doesn’t make it hurt any less. It still burns my eyes and my heart gets real heavy, wondering “what is the true purpose of it all”?
The questions I have are questions I’m sure every creative has. Does it matter? Am I just part of a makers-gonna-make fad? Why am I doing this? I’m young and free so maybe I need to spend my time living life and being outdoors instead of twiddling around on the computer color correcting a piece for the tenth time. How long does it take before I feel like what I do is actually inspiring change or making any real impact in the world?
I think I know what your reaction to this post will be. I mean, it’s probably a different version of what all my friends and supporters would say. It means a lot to me, it really does. I’m not trying to say it doesn’t make a difference… it is just getting harder to absorb because I continue to end up here. Just right here, in this same place, feeling like I’m running on empty and just waiting to feel some sort of .. accomplishment.
One of the problems that I’ve had all my life is that I want to do too many things. And I’m a perfectionist so wanting to do it all and do it all the way I want to, is impossible. I end up not being able to do any single thing to the standard I hold myself to. And it’s frustrating as hell.
I have a great job. And I’ve only recently started to believe it actually mattered to me and that I’m not ready to let it go. It’s there that I feel like I actually have made a difference… of course, it took three years and a whole lot of growth to get there. Maybe that’s what is going to happen here? Maybe I just need to keep going and write this particular breakdown off as one of many along the way.
This post may be a bit whiny, I’ll admit it. But it’s also just flowing out of my fingers in real time and I never want to hold back on these moments – because I want to make sure that if I do end up making it there, wherever there is, that I’ll remember the internal struggle. I’ll remember (and others would be able to see too) that I wanted to give up.