I’m sad to say that I’ve been guilty of not writing to the fullest. And this is mainly because I haven’t been living to the fullest. With the pending move and the shape shifter that is known as my income, I’ve been happy to even keep my head above water. When going through times of change, decisions get that much more difficult to make given how much is riding on them. I know now that the decision I made to begin this blog was a landmark for my personal and professional growth, so continuing to move forward with it is just as important, if not more so. Despite feeling like I don’t have any beauty to give right now, it’s also important that I participate this week in the Choose Beauty Linkup – in order to remind myself that there has to be something left inside to push forward. There just HAS to be.
One of the obstacles I face every day (particularly lately because I’ve been on so many job interviews) is projecting the shiniest and best, most optimistic version of myself. I wear carefully curated outfits, I meticulously draw on my lipstick and my smile, I speak confidently about my erratic and yet fulfilling journey. While I know that this is the embodiment of the Christina everyone knows and wants in their life, I can’t help but feel like a phony, a forgery of greatness. It unfortunately is not a choice though; “fake it til you make it” is something you really have to do. Because there is this petrifying fear that if people caught a glimpse of doubt, it would catch like wildfire and all of a sudden you will have cultivated the very thing you wanted to avoid: failure.
So my question is, am I faking it or am I making it? Are they really one and the same? My boyfriend tries to convince me that I’m not a fake at all, that I’m actually the exact image that I think I’m “faking” – I’m just too afraid to believe that I am. Unfortunately I allow him to carry all the doubt I bear; he listens to all my crazy notions, back and forth, up and down, and back around again. And perhaps he’s right. Maybe all there is to the “making it” part is believing in the projection itself, wholeheartedly. Until I get there though, I will continue to wear this mask and hope no one can tell what’s going on underneath. Of course trials and tribulations are a part of the beauty too; you can’t have yin without yang. If I can just get through this emotionally exhaustive stretch and somehow magically bloom into said role model, then I will have actually done it. I will have created light from darkness.
Have you ever doubted yourself so deeply that the only answer was to pretend like everything was great?
Does feigning greatness somehow actually manifest it into reality? Please tell me, I’m dying to know!
[ image via tumblr ]
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