Are you allowed to have quarter-life crises when you’re 30? What do we call it then? I’m really starting to get tired of these things. I’m getting old and I really just want to not give a fudge and just do what I want to do. That sounds nice right? Even as I’m typing this now, I’m like wait, maybe I shouldn’t have used the f-word (I edited it to fudge). But why do I even care? This is my space and this my time to let it all out.

I think the reason art, whether it be visual or motion picture, music or whatever, makes sense to me is because as you get older you start to feel like you need to be the best version of yourself. The most composed and balanced version of yourself. But the last few weeks I feel like I’m completely become unhinged and really, not for any single reason. It’s just a lot of little reasons. I’m constantly battling with myself in my head. And listening to the right song or watching the right movie is the only thing that makes me feel at ease or allows me to make sense of what’s going on in my head and heart. 

Objectively I know I have an amazing life; I really do have a lot of my shit together. I’ve got money in the bank, a job that suits me to a T, and loved ones who are better than I could have ever dreamed of. There’s so much for me to be grateful for and daily I’m reminded of that. And yet daily still I hear other voices in my head. I’m starting to think I may need medication. Or maybe therapy.

— … I just accidentally deleted two paragraphs I had typed out and didn’t save.

I think I wrote something about like people are having to constantly tell me to slow down and relax and usually I can. But then it’ll come back later, it always come back. I don’t know what I’m doing to myself. I feel like maybe sabotaging everything. Like I’m purposefully breaking things. Forcing heartbreak on myself in preparation for the day that will come where I’ll have to admit that I’ve given up. I’ve failed at pursuing my dreams and I’m just going to be another person in the crowd, living my life.. average.

The idea of that is paralyzing.

It’s happening all the time when I open my eyes
I’m still taken by surprise
I hold sunlight and swallow fireflies
And it makes me want to cry

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